Anong magandang title? Mag-isip ka.

First day of Arlington SuperTarget (TG 1339) and I can already say I do not like it as much. Maybe I just have to get used to it but I noticed that the people aren't as warm as I would have preferred (i.e. as it was in TG 1517). Also, they messed up in scheduling me to 35 hours (when my maximum is just 25) and had me workin from 4 on sundays (i should have been dayside). Owell. i guess i just need to talk to my team lead Adrian. I am so easy to stress out.

Oh.. and this time, i won't ever be put to softlines ever again.... and C's (candles, stationery, party and gifts, home improvement and plants). i will miss those departments.

They put me on HBA which, i could say, the department I dislike the most (yes, worse than domestics). I never ever finish that department because of the amount of small things. What a first day. As usual, I did not finish it but I got help from softlines people and other team members.

TG 1339 is very much alike TG 1517 but there are little things that are different that gets me. They are not as Bullseye-maniac. They have a weird backroom and they have a weird scheduling system (they had the schedule up a day before I worked) .... crazy crazy things.

You lost me at Cruithne

First Week of classes and I am taking a break from studying for the Senior Design announced pop quiz. The semester started off great but has been going descending lately to an academic lull.

Saturday: I moved in most of my stuff. I went to the Waffleopolis (some waffle party at Brazos for "interns" (pisay-talk for students who stay in the dorm). I saw a bunch of old friends like Jan, Dawn, Regan and Anjenique and I met some more new friends like Stacy and Alex. I did not ge to see my roommate but his stuff were placed on supposedly my side of the room. I don't care much, really.

Sunday: I went back home to get more stuff like my fridge, microwave and some more clothing. Mama, Josh and Ate went to SuperTarget Arlington with me to shop for food and supplies. I went to the UCC mass and was almost late but it was ok. I also went to be reconciled. Then I drove Chinh, Mags and Sam to the Chili's. Me and Mags shared a quesedilla. Oopie, Steven, Mags and Me stayed at mags dorm and talked till about 12:30 AM. It was nice to hang out with Maggie.

Monday: First day of classes. Astronautics (with Dr. Subbarao) was cool but Aircraft design (with Dr. Seath) was kinda boring. I still need to get A's on ALL my classes tho. I went to the Convocation which was alright. Also went to the afterparty with the Volunteers. Bob Shneider concert was really successful besides the fact that all he did was musicalize profanities and obsceneties (he called it Pornographic Pop the next day). I got a tattoo of the sun on my left shoulder. I hung out with the volunters most of the night. It was cool. I love hanging out with Maggie.....

Tuesday: 2nd day of classes. Got embarrased by asking a freshman where Trimble Hall is. Then I almost got late because of room change. I thought I registered for a wrong class because Dr. Black was teaching instead of Dr. Perry. I found out later that Perry wasn't teaching anymore. Owell. She seems to be fine. I went to the UTA Vols meeting for a couple minutes. We were displaced from the Chambers so the Office was JAMPACKED with interested people. Went to the first B&G club visit with Steven for an hour. I also went to the Aikido Club meeting with Jan and Mags. There was no airconditioning so they did not have practices in the gym. I didnt get to see my mentees in the UTA H.O.S.T.S mixer so I went home a bit early. Maggie is so fun to be with....

Wednesday: Nothing much happened. Just same ol' classes and I went to the Wed Mass at the UCC. I was late because I got somewhat stuck in the Activities Fair Day. I went with Paul and Jan. Paul had to come back so I drove him back then went back to the UCC for the food. Then we went book-hunting. I bought all my literature books brand new except the one I need most. Sucks. I talked to Mags mostly the rest of the evening thru AIM. I love talking to her.


Thursday: Today. I got up at 6:30 AM and went to the parking office to get my tag but the lady wanted me to pay right there. I can't so she suggested I go online or call SAM. I forgot my cell so i had to go back and order my tag online (so it would be credited to my account) and then went back. I scratched the bottom of my Gertrude. Classes were OK. I would have been hanging out with mags if i were not so stupid.

It is obvious I like liking someone. I just seemingly "dropped" Elle because of lack of communication and hope and then shifted someone more available but not any more hopeful. I guess I can try asking Mags or sumthin to get into that whole new rejection phase again. I am self-destructive at this point.

I am drifting farther and farther from Katter. She doesnt wish to talk to me anymore so I removed her on my list to prevent me from msging her.

Corsair vs Avenger

Do you ever have those moments when you wished you did something (that was ENTIRELY possible for you to do) but did not do it because you realized it after the fact? Then you regret it or feel very stupid because you know there won't be any more chance to do it (or the probabilities are slim) in the future. One such moment happened today as I was leaving from my last shift at FM ST (TG 1517)

I was supposed to visit Elle at work but I got called in to work before I left the house. Dianna (The daytime LOD) wanted me to come or I would have to tomorrow. I chose to work today still relunctantly, but owell. Hours are good for my paycheck.

I got reviewed today. 82.5. A Measly B-. I get a 45 cent increase, tho, which is about 9 bucks a week. NICE!

Katter called me rude. I don't get it.

Airplanes are awesome.

I don't know

tired.

Can't find someone to work for me. I am getting frustrated.

Desiring someone who doesn't like you back is useless.

Mark, YOU are useless.

Mat still hasn't given the review when it is supposedly my last day at FM ST.

On a positive note: had been talking alot with Pips and Denise. Phone convos with my pisay classmates is always fun.

Summer vacation ends in a few days. I don't wanna go back.

Intimidated with my subjects. Afraid to fail. Again.

Mark, YOU are a failure.

Need some chocolate. need some sleep.

Need to be better.

the drama resumes

I screwed up big time and end up not hanging out with Elle as I was really looking forward to. Not wanting to seem needy, I just told her to go ahead and watch the movie without me and we can hang out next time, even tho I do not really care about the movie and just REALLY wanted to hang out with her.

Haaaaaaaaayyyyyy buhay.

DCU also screwed up my checking account. It is fine now tho, all the fees were reimbursed but it is still on the negative until I get my check from Target on Thurs. DCU BillPay sucks and does not work as advertized. So I am currently worse off than broke.

It's a weird feeling when someone ignores you just because she found someone else. It's like you could care less but you don't. Then you start to miss things.

Cleaned my room today. I need to get a haircut tomorrow. I need to make more checks.

I am no Fred Flintsone but I'm gonna make your Bedrock

Katter is now too busy to even talk to me because of another guy. I guess she is getting her sweet sweet revenge. I guess the "i love yous" and "You are important to me" are just crap that are nice to say and hear. And I never cease to learn and relearn new lessons.

I guess friendships are just meant to fade away.

I went to church for the Feast of Marian Assumption. I was supposed to go with Michelle but she was a bit late so we did not get to sit by each other. It was coo tho. She was with her friend, Barbara (she was from Brazil and speaks cool Portuguese and other cool languages). I think she is attractive but I like Michelle better.

I still don't know how to deal with my "feelings" for her. She is so nice and everything that I dunno if I am ready to lose that by admitting them to her. Crap. Maybe I will just go to school and forget about her totally. I will be unworried about liking her. Then, I will find out one day that she is getting engaged with some guy she loves and I will be jealous to death and would regret not even trying. Haha... so much drama. I should be a Pnoi pocketbook writer.

MarkY goes hunting

Just walking on the front lawn, MarkY witnessed an incredible view. A mysterious creature with pointy ears comprising almost a fourth of its body length was basking in the semi-darkness of the after-sunset. It was around ten inches tall, brown colored with white undersides. He ran inside to get his digital (Konica Minolta Dimage 10) camera and silently hid by the front porch. As quiet as a tree and trying his best quiet down the vibrations of my hand, he snapped a photo of the creature...




















Not sure of the image he recently captured, he took another one for good measure.



The hunter realized that the darkness is not cooperating with his endeavors. He quickly reset his device to produce an a flash while taking the photos... This sent the creaure into panic... and hesitation...







Afraid that the creature might realize that the bright flashes were not of lightning, He quietly turned the flash off while slyly zooming on the subject, which is obviously an animal of prime alertness.



A closer view of the amazing subject, while surveying the environment for intruders.



Of course, he is a quiet hunter. And as such, he moves in patiently for the kill. The prey stood motionless for moments that seemed hours... The man stepped closer as queitly as he can but the hunted sensed peril and hopped gracefully away, into the shadow of darkness. Only its eyes of fury betrayed its presence.



The hunter closes in, not to be defeated by the hunted's sly evasive action. He moves closer and takes probably the last image ever of the mysterious creature.



Tired from the hunt, he comes back into his abode to discover another creature. Sitting bout 2.5 feet tall, with black curly fur dangling from its immense body. It has a slumped posture.



Queitly again, he waits patiently until the creature reveals its countenance along with its bright sharp teeth...



Turned out, it was Branson...

The kind of blue that tickles when you smell it and gives you the butterflies when you think of it

I closed till 1:15 last night and then opened at eight this morning. I slaved until four (training this new guy, Michael) and then churched at 4:40. After that, I went to Vista Ridge (Lewisville) SuperTarget to buy lighted glass frames (which were on 75% off clearance but i didnt buy them as fast I could so we were sold out at our branch... I got the last one from Lewisville. HAR HAR. Thanks Lord!). I ended up getting school supplies, chocolate and some other stuff for my sis. In return, my sis treated me at Chipotle and I am now eating my cold Burrito leftover.

What does that mean? Well, I am heck tired but I still am hoping I would get a call from a certain someone......

Speaking of a certain someone, here is a little conversation with myself on the path to self-discovery:


Mark: Gah.... Why am I liking this girl so much?!!?!?
Myself: Michelle?
Mark: Duh.
Myself: Well, answer your question.
Mark: What question?
Myself: Why do you like Michelle so much?
Mark: hmmm..
Myself: ....?
Mark: Well, she is attractive, physically and her personality.
Myself: like...?
Mark: She is cool. Very nice. Sweet. You know I'm a sucker for sweet girls.
Myself: I know.
Mark: .. And very Catholic.
Myself: So there you go, you now know why you like her so much.
Mark: but...
Myself: ... But what?
Mark: I wish we were more than friends.Myself: So what's the problem with wanting that?
Mark: I dunno. It doesn't feel right.
Myself: Like when you are liking on some girl?
Mark: ... yes...
Myself: Well, it is not a lusty kind of attraction, is it?
Mark: ... HECK NO! I don't do that kind of shit.
Myself: Personally, I think it is normal to feel weird.
Mark: *sighs*
Myself: ....
Mark: I wish she likes me back. I keep hoping I have a chance, even a little bit. But I don't think I do.
Myself: Torpe.
Mark: I know.... I feel helpless.
Myself: Then get over it! Go ask her out!
Mark: She likes someone else.
Myself: And?
Mark: I really do not think I should. I do not think I have a chance.
Myself: You are just afraid of rejection.
Mark: ......
Myself: You know you like her. You know you have a chance. You are just afraid that she would reject you because you think are not good enough.
Mark: I wish this attraction would go away.
Myself: Mark. Face it. You can do it and nobody else is going to do it for you.
Mark: What if this is just some selfish desire to have someone? I think having past relationships makes me crave what I had.
Myself: .........
Mark: When I had relationships, it felt good. I love the feeling of being "in love" I love the attention she gives me and the opportunity of me to give attention. I love the fact that I had someone. Now, it feels wanting is so selfish...
Myself: .....
Mark: And I don't think she gives crap about this kind of attraction. She doesn't like me more than a friend. I wish I could know her more. I WANT to know her more.
Myself: dating?
Mark:*sighs* Not that. that is too artificial. Too structured a form of "getting to know" someone.
Myself: Then be a friend.
Mark: I am already her friend.
Myself: Patience is a virtue.
Mark: I wish I am a closer friend, I guess.
Myself: Then BE one.
Mark:Hmm..
Myself: If your love is sincere, you would think in the view of her welfare.
Mark: I think there is no use for me to "desire" for her if she is not interested.
Myself: How do you know she is not.
Mark: She is freakin interested in this other guy!!!
Myself: That doesn't say you don't have a chance.
Mark: I want to try.
Myself: Go ahead. knock yourself out. What could you lose anyway?
Mark: Our friendship?
Myself: What would you gain?
Mark: Better, more open friendship?
Myself: I seriously do not think she will lash out on you if you confess your feelings.
Mark: I didn't either.
Myself: You are just a coward.
Mark: Yes. I just am. And I invent these excuses to get away with it.
Myself: Go ahead. Perhaps the anxiety will go away once you open up. Go ahead and tell her. Just make sure that she understands. Do not be aggressive. Just tell her.
Mark: Soon? Should I not wait till I know her more?
Myself: You know what they say about procrastination.... "it's just like masturbation: it is all good at first but in the end, you are just f*king yourself."
Mark: Then when? How?
Myself: You talk to her. Pick your time.
Mark: I like chocolate.
Myself: Chocolate is good.

Lesson learned: chocolate is good in considerate amounts.

Realizations

Life is so brittle. Just a tiny vial of chemical, sharp piece of steel, lack of oxygen, or a short blow to an organ could end someone's life. So brittle but yet so important. Maybe it's value spring forth from its fragility... nobody can create it but anyone can destroy it with ease. Anyone can terminate it when he or she so pleases.

But nobody can destroy the spirit. One can lead it to self-destruction, but never destroy. However, one can put it to another direction just as easily. Just a smile or a compliment could inspire.

There are times I think I am not doing enough. I could, very easily, but doesn't.

Lord, make me a better envoy of your truth.

"him and his ukelele shall go wanting!"

My Hurricane Harbor plans with Michelle was cancelled so, instead, I went to Lourdes Zamora's funeral mass at St. Ann's and then shopped at Grapevine with Michelle (taxfree weekend today). She wanted to get something from JC Penney. They didn't have em in the color she wanted so we shopped at the The Dave and Barry's instead (where everything is only $7.98 or below!) I got two UTA shirts (YES! they DO have UTA shirts!) and two carpenter pants. After that, we talked and stuff and she corrected how I say "frustrated" and I told her how Filipino infixes (gitlapi) works.

It has been confirmed that she likes another guy so it is really useless to be attracted to her. or rather, to desire a "romantic" relationship with her. It is kinda sad at first, but God will give me what I deserve. As for me: patience is a virtue. Who knows, maybe he wants me to take the priestly thoughts more seriously. Besides, I like Michelle just fine as a friend: really fun to hang out with, talk with and extremely bearable when shopping (maybe because she hates shopping that makes me feel we have something in common. I don't think I hate it really that much, tho). She is just a really sweet person and it is crazy not to be attracted to her personality.

I just wish these thoughts of her would go away. I am tired of it.

I have this confused view of attraction. I like this girl I had a past with but I know it will not work out because of distance. She keeps expressing her adoration of me so i just can't just get over her. I honestly wish it would stop but I have no way of saying without severely causing pain. I abhor this distance. Why should everything should be so dang complicated?

I seriously need to pray more.

Bahala na. if i need something, God will provide.

bombicilla Cedrorum

There was never a time I thought I would despise my accent this much. I just finished talking to Elle and she is having a hard time understand me. of all people, its her!! Gah. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I have been here in the US but I still have this FOB accent! I used to be all proud of it because it is my distinction as a pure-bred natural born Filipino, bit no, no, it is but an impediment!

Why do i F*ckng feel like this? Who is she to me anyway?

Haaaaaayy..... crushing should be illegalized. Or maybe I should join the ranks of the ever-declining number of priests.... Then I would know that I should NEVER have crushes or anything.

or maybe, speech lessons could do miracles.

or maybe, i could try speaking other accents like British or German or whatever accent white people speak!

I am just speaking my mind.

Anyway, last Sunday was a blast. The mass was fun. I went to have a "talk" with Fr. Sanchez afterwards. Then I went to the College Life pool partay. We hung out, baked chocolate chip oat cookies, planned for todays outreach, and listened to Dr. Weisberg (the dude has awesome gift in speaking). After that darkness came, we decided to use the Gasparos' paddleboat (they have this nice lake behind their house to use it on) so me, Elle, Monica, Chris and Tim hauled it on the water then jumped right on it. we padddled for a good... 15 to 20 minutes then went back to the house. We then took a dip in the pool and played breath-holding games (where i got a measly 45 seconds versus Tim's 70). It as geting late so soon afterwards, we wiped off changed and parted in our own separate ways.

We found out that all of us are off on Friday so we are planning to go to Six Flags and/or Hurricane harbor on Friday. It will be a blast! I love hanging out with Elle!

ummm.. That's about it.