Deserving

Had a pretty bad car crash last night (or this morning). I wish I died. I didn't tho.

it was about 4 AM. I ran into the car in front of me on Valley Pkwy. Two female blackteenagers went out and asked if I was fine and I said I was. I asked them but since I was in the car, I dunno if they heard me. They tried to park on the side of the road but my engine stopped after the collision so it took me a while to move the car. What's weird is that, after I tried parking, a person ran out, picked up a fallen plate number, threw it in the car, ran back and the vehicle ran away after seeing the police car. I tried to chase them but I lost them into Kathryn st. I went home then realized MY plate was missing so I tried to drive around Kathryn to see if I can see the vehicle.. i wonder why they ran.

But still i am sooo stupid. I wish it was a bigger accident and I died. That way, my family would be a lot happier that I am finally gone and no longer causing them trouble. The other party ran away BUT my family is still telling the insurance. Why? because they want me to pay for the car of course. I wish i just died. They believe so well that I am "happy" I wasn't hurt. Since then, my stupidity hs been the topic of every phonecall or house conversation at home. My dad even accused me of lying and driving drunk home. ME?!?!?! Drink!?!!? coffee maybe but never alcohol! Just shows how much they actually know me. and also how my dad, who is a prominent liar has his own insecurity problems. It is just annoying how they accuse me of things even tho I am already laying in front of them what happened.

Oh, and don't give me that "They just care about you" crap. I can feel the hatred in their looks. Mama looks at me as if i am the worst son. Maybe deservingly so but do they have to make it so fucking obvious!?!? Jade was right: I am a retard and an idiot. How can I be so stupid and hit a car right in front of me!?!? FUCKING IDIOT! I deserve to die but i am still here. sometimes, i feel like my ife is being played upon by some force but it would be sacriligious to believe that. When my parents was lecturing me and telling me REPEATEDLY of the blame and guilt, i was very much tempted to open the car door and jump out in front of the passing vehicles to satisfy their desires. i thought that would be too public tho. Maybe I should just slip away sometime in the shadows of my room with the help of my hobby knife.

We will see.