It's Christmas eve...

...and I don't feel like it's Christmas tomorrow. Too many thoughts running in my head. I think I have too much hate and frustrations inside me. confusing. I feel so lonely. Nami-miss ko na yung mga nangangaroling, yung mga simbang gabi, yung mga class gimik or Christmas party, mga exchange gift na binalot sa dyaryo... Haaaay... andami. Mga bagay na nagdidistract sakin sa mga problema ko. I think I am just not a really happy person. Never contented with anything. And my family hates me. They despise me... haaay. Ewan ko na lang talaga bakit ako tine-test nang ganito. Well, sabi nga nila, "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." basta. Bahala na.

About a month ago, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. inoperahan sya pero meron pa raw natirang cyst sa loob. iche-chemo na raw sya sa Jan 2. nung una, malungkot ako. syempre ayokong mawalan ng nanay. Pero may mga ginagawa sila sakin na parang gusto ko na ngang mawala sya. I know it's selfish. I just feel like that when Im really angry. I don't belong in this family anyway. Or maybe I'm just not doing a good job trying to belong. Wala lang. Parang walang incentive. In fact, I feel being pushed away. So ako na lang yung umiiwas.

Wala naman silang paki sakin. Minsan nga, out of nowhere, nagparinig si mama habang kausap si ate: "Binigyan ako ni Lord ng babae kase alam nyang walang silbi yung magiging anak kong lalake." Ouch. well siguro totoo nga. palamunin lang naman ako sa bahay eh. Palibhasa, nde ako makakita ng trabaho. Ewan lang talaga. Malabo.

Ano ba kasi silbi ko rito? So far, di ko makita.

This is why I don't like vacations. I have too much time to think and get depressed in the process. I wish Kat was here.