Stupidity seems to follow me around lately in regards to my classes.

I arrived in school around 7 PM for my Chem class tonight thinking that it is 8-10:30. i went to the classroom about 7:50 but there was a class inside. Worried I misread the schedule, I ran to Ransom Hall to check really quick. To my horror, it says that my class is from 6 to 7:50!!!!!!! I just missed my class!!!!

Right then and there, I felt my blood rushing to my face. I was somewhat embarrassed at myself and I couldn't believe I could miss such detail... Haaaay... Yesterday, I was late 10 minutes and I didnt expect It could be any worse. Today, it happened. I missed the whole two hours of my first Summer Chemistry class.... I am soooooo irresponsible. This is the 2nd time I missed a class in college and this is the first unintentional one. Stupid stupid stupid....

...Mark

Instead of just goin home, I just thought I'd call Minh to calm myself befored driving. We planned on meeting at Barnes and Noble so we did. there, we sat at the cafe place while reading (or rather, browsing) books and magazines (i got books/mags about airplanes & models and she got a book about understanding men and another about film writing --- she's a Film major)... We also had a very nice convo about art, airplanes, Catholicism, priests, nuns, the pope, my lovelife and other stuff I can't remember. Catholics are pretty rare here and it is really refreshing to have a convo with one, considering the difference in culture (she's Vienamese).... I completely lost track of the time tho and I didnt make it to talk with my hunnie... =( .... At least I learned I don't have to be virgin to be a priest....

Considering how the day went towards the end, I realized I shouldnt'd be worried much about missing my class. It is a problem that is so easy to solve anyway, I can borrow notes from somebody in the class....

I just hope I meet somebody to borrow notes from...

Yesteday was my sis' bday so we celebrated by eating dinner at Red Lobster. yummy but expensive... Not practical to take dates to....
Today, I woke up 5:30-ish in the morning in my preparation of my first day of summer school. You see, i got an 8-10:20 Lab on Tuesday mornings, so, as a good start, I went there as early as possible. I left ^:30 AM and got there around 7:10 or so. To prevent time wastage, I just went to Ransom Hall (the comp lab) as I always do in mornings like this. After checkin my email and finally replying to Jesi's email, I went to Science Hall (around room 117 because that's where the lab is). Strangely, there were no ppl around. I guess maybe because it was only 7:50 AM... ..And so I waited, reading the interesting "Science discovery of the 20th century" posters all over the wall. After a few minutes, the Lab technician said hi to me (i think he remembered me from my previous Physics 1443 lab). I asked him if there is Lab today. He looked at me strangely and asked which class I am in. I replied and he told me that there are no Labs this week. To make sure, he brought me to the office and ask the lady there with a computer. then she checked........

She said, "The Lab for 1444 will be Tuesdays 8 to 10:20 PM..." PM!!! I can't believe I missed that!! I wasted all my time and gas only to find out I just confused "A" with a "P." That, Ladies and Gentlemen, that is the prime example of katangahan.

Believe it or not, it was good news (the time thing, not the katangahan). I didn't have to drive twice to school on Tuesdays. i didnt have to go to wake up ealy ither. hehehe... A Blessing in a not so flattering disguise. I just went instead to the library to check my mail (my yahoo account was filled with matrix Reloaded 2002 egroup stuff) , check my ebay account and to have a chat with Anna and her *escapades.* Teehee.

shortly after that, I went home, ate lunch, went online, shot down British Hurricanes Mk 1 in my Bf-109E-4 (in "European Air War," of course) and went to bed to have a nap. When I woke up, I fixed to go back to UTA, left the house, got some gas for *my* car, got stuck in traffic and got 10 mins late for my Physics class!! Can you believe that?!?! TEN MINUTES!!!!!! On the first day!!!

ANYWAY, I think Physics will be a fun class. The teacher (Dr. Black) looks boring but he is funny at times. He seems nice and very lax. And his jokes just cracks the class up.

EBAY ROCKS!!!

Yesterday was spent mostly on watching movies (DVD), chatting with ma hunnie online and looking for jobs in the afternoon. The last one was tiring but fulfilling. I tried to fill out forms on the spot as much as possible to minimize the chances to return to the store. Also, I wrote down my cell number as well as the home phone because of the internet issues at home. Neway, I'm done with that. I am kinda feeling hopeless because the managers said that they already hired ppl for the summer.... I just hope I really get a job this time.

I went to church with my sis today at the teen mass. it was ok. nothing special happened. After gettting home, I transferred my compy to my room. YES, more privacy now for me! I am in my room, typing this post. Isn't that remarkable?!?!? because of this, I had to re-arrange furnitures in the room (namely my bed a little lamp table that doesn't have a lamp). Now I kinda got more space BUT I got alot of displaced books lying around....

...I would appreciate a decent bookcase/shelf right now...

Anyway, i think i just got my kat in trouble... =( I keep messing up... Haaaaaaaaay.. I hope this doesn't change too much...... =(

Days like these make me remember my depression days when I am with my family.

The day started with me getting ready for my interview for Vector. I ate breakfast and lunch right after the other (like cereals then rice with kaldereta -- like a brunch but it's not). Then, I dressed with a long-sleeves polo shirt, navy blue slacks and a blue and gold tie that (as I can remember) I last wore in junior prom. Then I drove to the place that is really close to my house. I dunno if im supposed to be disappointed or not when i got there. The wait was longer than the actual interview. We were supposed to be there 11:45 but we waited there for until like 12:20. And the interview only last like 3 minutes or sumthin. We were just told that we won't do telemarketing BUT one-on-one sales. It's like a by-appointment business thing with guaranteed $14/appointment. This being my first job (if ever), I have no idea what lies ahead. I don't know if i will take it or not, in case i get accepted. owell..... I'll just keep lookin and see what is the best there is....

When I got home, my mom and sis told me to change clothes cuz im goin with them to UTA. We (my mom and I) had to fix something for school. We had to file an application for reclassification of residence because I am already eligible for in-state tuition since my mom already own a house here for over a year now. The deadline of payment being tomorrow (for Summer 1), we had to go to rush the application today. The "trip" to the school started out fine but as time passed by, everything started to dawn on me (this always comes with boredom). When I am with them, I don't feel loved or important at all.... i feel unneeded. i feel like my sis just takes me as if I am an object she can yell at when she needs something. and of course, me, being the guy, my parents always back her up. The Mark-is-the black sheep feeling started creeping back in. i thought I got over this a looong time ago but now it's comin back.

Then I just slept in the car because i so do not want being in the car with them. I woke up when we got to Walmart. They said they are gonna pick up sumthin. Thinking that they won't take long, decided to stay in the car. minutes passed and they didnt come back. i was toasting in the car and I was afraid they forgot. Maybe my sleepy mood made it worse but it really made me feel bad. Owell, feeling bad won't make them care.

When i got home. obviously, I was depressed. yeah I know it is stupid. Anyway, my hunnie first made it worse. She doesn't want me to act sad around her and i felti have nobody to share my feelings with. I got nobody to rant at. i got nobody to unload what I feel. I'm alone with my problems, as usual. well, I think gf's are not meant to take those anyway. I just felt so alone.

However, I'm glad i can talked to her. talking with her at least made me forget it for a while. She makes me happy. That's good enough, i guess. My feelings, on the other hand, is inconsequential and unworthy of notice right now. Forgetting is better than talking about it anyway. hmm..... i don't wonder people take drugs...

Now I just had a fight with my sister while typing this post. She wanted to use the comp (MY comp btw) and i told her to wait. I had to finish this before I lose my train of thought. I already left my previous post hanging because she had to use the comp, i don't want to do it again. i am also doing my lawn sprinkling so I didn't really have much time to recover things in memory. But she's impatient. After trying to ignore her yelling (certainly not the indoor voice), I decided to type her thing myself and print it out for her. But then, No "thank yous" or anything. Still not satisfied, she threatened she won't EVER help out paying for my tuition.... All these because I made her wait.

I hate to think this but i don't think she really cares i'm her bro. And since she's like that and my parents are ALWAYS on her side, i feel.. umm.... you got the idea. It's not a great feeling.

...But then again, I should always act happy.

Today, alot of things ended but I still feel fulfilled. Kinda glad and happy. =) Lemme start with my retreat.
Monday (May 19 2003):
Woke up about 8. I got ready for my retreat. i was so excited. I packed some stuff into baggage and tried to think if I forgot anything. Thinking I didn't i left the house at about 9:00 (after checking the electrical outlets, lights and stuff). After the drive, I caught them already loading the baggages in tha car. Monica and Ivory was't there yet but they arrived shortly and minutes later, we boarded the vans. and proceeded to the park in front of the Centennial court apartments.. As Seth put it, we could have got there sooner if we walked. I thought we were "cheated."

Neway, we had our first teambuilder there. Of course, we had to introduce ourselves. We formed a huge circle (we were almost 30 i believe) and each one had to say his name with an action (not necessarily a verb) starting with the person's name (eg. Electric Elizabeth, Attacking Andrea, Crazy Christie etc etc.) while doin the action. Each one also has to say (and memorize) the actions of the ppl before him/her. I believe this was pretty effective since after the activity, everybody called me "Matix Mark."

After this and a short break, We had another teambuilder that involved 3 islands with two planks of wood, sharks, body contact and teamwork. After that and another short break, we breoke into three groups where we had to pass balls to ppl and state the nicknames of the passer and the passee (is that a word?). Then after that, we had Lunch.. (yummy sandwich!!) and left for briarwood.

I slept most of the time in the van. I found out that the camp is much closer to my house than to Arlington! I wish I just brought my car.




Today:
Kinda tired from the previous night but it was all cool. I woke up 7:45 but I got up from bed about 8 because i was too lazy to really get up. I took a shower and readied myself for breakfast (8:30). When I got our from the room, I saw Seth knocking on ppl's doors and waking up ppl. So, I went to the room next door (Ivory and Monica's) to ask them if they are goin to eat breakfast with me. i got no replies so i just walked away. When I was about 10 meters from the door, Monica opened up so I asked. She was like "NO" in her annoyed voice.

I proceeded to the breakfast and saw Ivory eating with Christy and Justin. Breakfast was nice. cereal (fruit loops this time) , pancakes, egg (beaten) and swedish sausage. It was cool. I saw Minh and she sat with me after the ppl left. Ivory was waiting for me but she left after Minh came....

(To be continued.. my sister wants the comp...)

Woke up late. Watered the plants. got ready for friends to come over. Went to Tom thumb to get land-o-lakes butter. Cooked rice and Shrimp Linguini. Inindian ni Jek. Its good tesha came but i just ate my own food.. watched Matrix reloaded with her at Grapevine Mills. Did some browsing (she did clothes, i did video games). Almost got lost on 121. Ate dinner at Applebee's. Went home and got depressed....

Had doubts... i hate having doubts. also, i hate having problems and not talking about it.

Today was fun but more on that later. I Today is my second "alone day." Nothing special happened in the morning and most of the afternoon. I just took out the trash, stayed online, ate my leftovers from last night and washed my car. i dunno why the car-shampoo smell stuck on me. it wouldn't get off even after I took a shower. It's not a bad smell though... just car-shampooey.

I just got home from arlington. I went to Jek's youth grp meeting (The Forerunners) and it was fun. We got to play egg toss and our group won (GO GROUP 1!!!!). What's the purpose of the game? Jek's sis wanted to watch Matrix 2. She wants to pay for two ppl who will win the series of games. After that, we watched a film about love. It was enlightening... After that, Jeks' sis asked us questions to narrow the winning group to just the two people she will pay for. I won but I said no cuz i have money to pay for myself anyway. besides, there are others who want to watch it and they don't got money. Also, I want to watch it tomorrow (it is actually today ) with Jek and Tesha.

I always wanted to hang out with my friends but they live far. that's why my parents dont usually let me go hang out with them (my school is like 45 mins away and my parents are such cheapskates that they dont want me to use the car unless im goin to an official school thing). But now, nobody can stop me. Tomorrow, they are comin here and we're gonna watch Matrix 2 at Grapevine Mills (thats a mall close to lewisville, in case you're wondering). Well that's the plan. They might also spend the night here or sumthin. they are not sure yet tho. Tesha said she will bring her PS2 so we can play... haaay... it will be so much fun. So0o0o0o fun.

I hope i don't get in trouble...

Just got home from dropping my parents at the airport. They are going to Maryland to attend my sister's graduation ceremonies. I wanted to go but i would hate hanging out with my parents especially my dad. Also, i had to attend a leadership retreat next week for three days (May 19-21 this is a UTA student activity thingie). I am "invited" to come because I was elected officer in UTA Volunteers. That will be fun! Hehe... right, I will be home alone for the coming week (or 6 days.. im not really sure.. hehe). This will be my first taste of freedom dito sa states. As in "I-am-by-myself" kind of freedom. In a way, I am scared. In a way, I am excited. I just hope I don't mess up. I don't do anything that will make them yell at me the second they stepped into the house. I am hoping everything goes well on their trip, on my stay home and my retreat next week. Please pray for me. guys....

Just checked my grades online... I got an A in Statics!!!!! It was soooooooo unbelievable. I tried to compute my possible grade before the finals but i found out the highest i can get is a high B. I guess i did well in the finals to deserve this....... hmm.. I am soo happy! Also, I got a B in Calc II! Well that was what I was expecting as the most optimum grade I can get towards the end of the semester.. a very considerable improvement on my C in Calc I. Considering the fact that Calc II is supposed to be harder....

Actuallly, the teacher was just easier.. I tell y'all, it's all in the professor!!!

She didn't get on. I desperately need to talk with her. i need her to at least say g'night to me... I am not expecting trips to the library to take this long. Now I'm terribly worried, wishing I didn't say that stupid thing.....

No, i won't say the thing here. i am surely won't be able to sleep well. I need her "goodnight" and "sleep sweet."

Mowed the lawn today. How was that interesting? well, this was my first time I ever mowed our lawn (my papa usually does it) since we got into this house. Im so proud of my work. The lawn is noticebly greener and richer-lookin than the neighbors'! Mwahahaha!! I'm the best lawnmower ever! haha... My days of seeding and fertilizing finally paid off.. Teehee.

I went to church 5:30. I saw the girl again.This time, there was no smile or whatever. Again, the urge to talk to her was suppressed by the torpeness. I am not single anymore anyway. Owell... i just wanted to talk to her cuz we did like 2 months ago.. owell.

Had a Confession today. makes me feel good. I love this feeling... ahaaaaay.... tooo bad i had to fight two of my online friends today. owell. I tried my best but it still feels sucky. Why is life so lifey?

"You stop caring for others when you start caring for yourself."

Today, The srping semester and my first year in UTA officially ended. I had a freaking hard test in Statics this morning. Mr. Han said it was easy but they were very different from the examples he gave last week.I answered all of them though.

Parents got a pecular way of making children miserable. It pisses me off when mothers ask a million times and when they reach the end of your rope that caused you to yell back, they will be mad at you as if you have been a drug-addict kid that kills cops in your pastime. It goes sumthin like this:

Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma.
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma.
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma.
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma....
(after a million times...)
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma.
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo, Ma.
Mama: Mark did you turn off the faucet?
Me: Opo na nga eh! Bakit di nyo tingnan?!
Mama: Bakit ka sumisigaw!?!?! ang ganda ganda ng pagkakatanong ko sayo ah!?!??!!?!? Blah blah blah ! PU74NG 1N4 M0!!!%^@%%@! @(^$& #*&#!!!!!

That explains most of it since I am too pissed right now to collect my thoughts. Yeah yeah, I don't have the freakin right to answer back.. Tell that to my ass.

It is suposed to be our real monthsary today but alas, she's not available tonight. She had to hang out with her friends at kokopelli. It breaks my heart but I don't wanna be selfish. Im just stupid... And I don't want this to be obvious to her if i ask her to stay here for me because I am having a bad day.

Great day. basically, I studied 1 to 5 AM for my test in Chem finals this morning (8:00 AM). I only had 3 hrs of sleep (from 10 PM to 1 AM). It turned out ok. Pretty easy, but it took me a looong time to check and recheck my answers. so far i know i messed up on one question. Dang that ground state electron configuration!

The biggest drawback of my lack of sleep: getting sleepy while on the wheel. It has been happening since last week and it's not a pleasurable experience. I guess nobody would want to have sweet dreams while running 70 mph on Texas highways and I am not an exception. I have tried slapping myself a couple of times (it works! but only for a couple seconds) or pinch my hand. Now I will try yet another way from keeping me from dozing off. listening to Eraserheads!!! Sorry.... i just can't stop myself from singin along with their songs.......

Im so happy too cuz i made up with CiJi. we had the biggest fight we ever had last night, and I tell you, it wasn't that petty. It just me me happy knowing i have great friends like her. Now, we are back to our sweet old selves and i am you just don't know how happy (and relieved) I am today.

I got no school tomorrow and, unlike the previous days, i will not go to school to "hang out." I am soooo excited to talk to kat tomorrow morning..... s0o0o0oo excited. =D

Last night was the weirdest, twistedest night ever. It started out good, then turned downright bad then turned into one of the best!

As usual, i went to the 5:30 mass. After that, I saw kim and she smiled at me (yep the girl I met like 7 weeks ago in Life teen)! It was one those cute wrinkled-nose smiles that could turn any young Filipino airplane-loving, bopis-eating, yard-sprinkling, dishwashing, UTA-going men to stone. Of course, My torpe hormones (yes, I think they can be linked to hormones so I'm not specifically to blame) started creeping in so I was practically shocked. I can't believe she actually remembered me (I just knew with that smile, ok?). I didn't even say, "hi Kim!" or even "hello! How are you? You haven't been coming to Life Teen for the past 7 weeks! I missed you so much!!! Wanna keep in touch?!? What is your number?" Owell. She would have freaked out thinking I'm a stalker if i said that anyway.

Shortly after that, I went to the Life Night. I think only a third of the ppl came last night. I think the entire group can be fitted into two small groups (we usually have 6)! I thought I will get bored because my usual Life teen buddy wasn't there. Luckily, Kelly kept me company (Although I think i bored her to death). The dinner served was the good ol' pizza!! As my food motto goes: "As long as it is free food, it is good!" Anyway, we talked about the human moral decisions. We had small the normal small groups (which lived up to the name, "small") and we talked about moral decisions in accordance to the Catholic Faith yada yada. There, we were given lil red decison cards that can come in handy when a crucial decision-making situation comes.... =P

After that, back to real life. I read kat's journal as soon as I got home. Of course, my insecure side crept in (I think it's with the hormones too =P). Haaay. I was soo worried and guilty and other mix stuff mixed together. i wanted to say things to her but I duno how to put it without complicating things. But guess what!!?!? She picked me (WOOT WOOT!!!)?!!?!?!?? I totally didn't expect it.... hahaha. I was so saya... (and coñotic) (Note: If you didn't understand a thing about this paragraph, don't bother asking. Kung di kayo mapigilan e di magtanong kayo. Kasalanan ko bang inire kayong makukulet ng mga ina nyo?)

Afterwars, I had a chat with Anna Tuazon and my daughter, Ginny I-forgot-our-last-name-in-that-play (a.k.a. Sophia Lucero). It was nice. Talking with my Filipina buddies back home..... haaaaaay.. I wanna go home!!!

Hmm.. right now, I am in the library typing some update to my blog and talkin to Anna again (thnx to Yahoo Messenger). I am supposed to be studying for my Chem finals tomorrow but i still don't feel like it... Gosh, it is almost vacation!!!!! Summer, here I come!!

Wednesday was crappy. I had afairly easy test in Statics but I dunno what happened to me. Was I nervous? Or was I just stupid in tests? Owell. It felt really crappy. Mix of guilt and self-blame. I have no idea what happened. It was stupid.

English 1302 also ended last Wed. We just wrote an essay about "If you can have any all-expense paid trip to any place in the world , where would it be and why?" and one person (I think it was Austin) said he will go to meet with Dr. Ruth. It was funny. I wrote about going back to the Philippines and seeing my friends again ang goin to the tourist spots. I liked my English class. it was fun. Too bad it's over...

Thursday. No Chem class but I still went to school to study for my calculus test in the coming saturday (yesterday... more on that later). I didn't study much though. I just ended up staying most of the morning in Ransom Hall. So i just ended up just studying a lil part (just one question) of the review manual! I can't believe I paid 2 bucks ont he piece of umm.... tae. Ngek! Ang korni!! HAHAHAHA!! So bad....
So anyhoo....... I studied harder on Friday. basically, i concentrated doing trigometric methods on integrals. I dunnot but i didn't do anything else.. I didn't feel like studyin much.... I wasn't in the mood. usually i get in the mood of studyin after a few minutes of reading magazines. now, it's like i really don't want to study. Owell.

Saturday was the big day. Calculus 2 departmental Finals. Very big day. i studied with jan the whole morning and the test was at 12 to 2:30 PM. it went Ok... I dunno how i did though. Do you know the feeling that you just got out of a room from a test and you neither feel confident nor otherwise. I am just happy it is over.

"Sometimes, we let our hearts get ripped by things we do not know. Or worse yet, things we are not sure of. It is better to know a bad phenomena than wonder how it really went. Here comes the great role of honestly in our society. Knowing the truth and getting hurt is far better than worrying and prolonging the pain" ~~~ Some person who loves airplanes

I read this lil quote from somewhere and now i am employing its principles. I modified it somehow because I don't remember the exact wording especially the last part...:
"If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours forever,
If she doesn't, she never was.... so f*ck off"