Proclamation

I have thought of myself as a good Christian Catholic. I believe I am better cathechized than most. I know the teachings of the Church, for the most part. I prayed and went to Church. I teach high school kids about the faith. I go quite regularly to Catholic Cathechism studies and have gone to Bible studies. I have convinced myself that I know alot of things about God. But I read somewhere before that knowing thing about God is NOTHING compared to knowing God.


In my life, I seem to have serial, even daily, conversions. Since I'ved moved to Washington, there seems to be an invigoration and re-invigoration of my faith within me. I have not always been willing to acquiesce (and in fact, I have been battling against it quite a bit) but the battle just reveals something else.

I have a deep darkness in my soul. To fill it, I have been feeding it with lies, deception and rationalization. Even though I have been accepting a certain state of morality, it has kept me wanting. I was not truly free. All the untruths I have been filling the deep chasm are not of the God of joy, sweetness, faith, hope and love. So I have kept empty a wide God-sized abyss but fought against letting the only thing, the only One, that can fill it.

I deserve nothing. My life deserve no honor or grace. I'm filled with hypocrisy and my life is of continual sinfulness. My witness is a long lamentation not only to those I love but also those I touch. My actions hurt my loved ones and scandalize my neighbors. I kept my worldly desires in front of me. But yet, God redeemed me.

For God so loved the world, He gave His only-begotten Son.

For God so loved me, He gave me His only-begotten Son.

I kept with the company of His Son but I am a Judas plotting and rationalizing away. In private, I spat at him. All I did was cause him pain and shame, yet he intercessed for me "forgive them for they not know what they do." The Son so loved me that he died for me. This Son, Jesus Christ, fully God and fully man, shed water and blood that redeemed me.

Through baptism, The Father invited me into the fold of His children. Through Confirmation, He anointed me and filled me with God Himself, the Holy Spirit. With the Eucharist, he fed me the saving blood and body of His Son. And with Reconciliation, he cleanses me whenever I fall.

Yes, I am nothing, but I have all the reason to rejoice. My lips shall proclaim Glory to the Highest, the Lord of Hosts.

Good and Gracious Father, I thank You for everything. You are tuly great indeed in Your magesty. You created everything for Your joy. Please forgive all the times that I did not serve that purpose. Please guide me on my journey in recognition of Your saving grace through Your Holy Son. Please, teach me, in your loving grace, to know you and your divine heart. I ask this in the name of your Son, Jesus Christ, and the advocacy of your Holy Spirit.

Amen.

21st

I turned 21 today.

It was one of my best ones ever. I spent the whole weekend on a retreat with the UCC (Diocese of Fort Worth Student Ministry Retreat) and it was life-changing. Let us say I was healed.

Maggie planned a surprise party for me at Oopie's dorm. I was, well, surprised. The Volunteers gang were there and we watched TV, played Conga, among other things. I got two cards and a $20 Hobby Lobby Gift Card.

Did I mention me and Maggie went back together a day or so after the last update?

She's such a gift.

Every silver lining has a cloud looming by it

Two nights ago, at 9:42 pm, central time, in my car on HW 121 in Frisco by the Stonebriars Mall, Maggie broke up with me.

Apprently, after all the songs we listened to, all the moments we shared, all late nights, all the thoughts and well-wishes, all the sweet nothings we whispered, all the jokes we laughed at, all the socio-political conversations, all the hypothetical questions, all the masses we went to, all the sweet notes, all the musings on married life, all the gums we chewed, all the chocolate candies we ate, and after almost four and a half months of loving hopefulness, she thought we would be better off by ourselves all because of an email from an old friend.

She got tired of me. The very thing I was dreading happened.

In fairness, I did my best this past week to prevent this. I should have never hung out with her last Thursday. I actually enjoyed her company that night in IHOP. I actually planned to NOT hang out with her because she actually said she wanted to miss me sometimes but for some reason, as I was driving back home, I asked her if she wanted to go to IHOP. haaaay. As parents say to their children, "Nasa huli and pagsisisi."

Yes, I sound bitter. That's because I am and this is my blog.

Now I am confused. One moment I was holding her in my dorm bed and within an hour, she was already plotting to break up with me. I was really convinced she was "the one" and but in a blink of an eye, she's gone. I do not doubt she loves me. We just have to work things out, she said. But if she is willing to break up with me because of some email a friend sent to her, it means I have been doing such a banged-up crap job of being a boyfriend. I can never be good enough for her. How can I ever be good anough for ANYONE?!!?

I know, I know, I don't really deserve anyone so I don't have the right to whine, but it really sucks when I think about this.

I am just being selfish. If I truly love her, I should rejoice because I am not the best guy out there for her anyway. there would be another [fortunate] person out there who is willing and able to love her the way she wants but it's not me. Haaaaaay. I really wish it was me....

Gah.

In a weird way, my faith in God was strenthened by this. Just imagine, in mere minutes, He made a girl who loves me want to break up with me. if that power is not great, I dunno what is. He surely works in mysterious ways. Then if He is planning that I meet someone someday, He would have to formulate some weirdly mysterious mission-impossible thing. He is a great God.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to the sounds of oldies love songs. At work last night, I had to zone the heart-shaped pillows with sweet nothings embroideredin domestics. I gave second looks at couples holding hands. In the breakroom, they showed Meet the Parents which reminded me so much of her and her dad.... talk about irony.

I am so tired of this relationship thing. I don't know... I thought she was the one.. This is soo fucked up. I am tired of everything. I don't know.

On a good note tho, she will still be my friend. Also, I don't have to spend too much this Valentine's.

Stress and Strain

I am just taking a break from school work. I finally finished the last two problems of the Propulsions HW due over a week ago (I only turned in the first part). I was not gonna turn it in but I figured I should at least try for extra credit. It annoys me that the last problem could have been finished in 10 minutes. I got hung up with Problem 8-11 where it took me a looong time just to figure out. If I knew, I could have given problem 18 to Dr. Lu then and just worried about problem 11.

I am stressing over the weekend already. I have a design paper and Astro HW due Monday, both of which I barely started with . I just called stupid Target and they won't let me go off. Instead, i got a lecture with Diana about balancing my work and school schedule. She let me be 2 hours late (so now, I am goin in at 6). I have a feeling they think I am some kind of Art or Business major or something.

I need a real [higher paying] engineering job [with better hours/schedules].


I really wish i could get sick or something. Well, sick enough not to go to work but not enough for me not to be able to do my schoolwork.

Anyway, This week has been eventful. This is the quick summary:

Last Sunday: I hung out with Maggie. We went to the World Youth Day at Six Flagss(over TX). We hung out most of the day and it was soooooooo awesome. It was a nice break from school and work (Adrian let me go off because he schedule me WAY OVER my hours). It was a very special day. There was a mass in the theme park and it was freezing cold (not really freezing but you get the point). It was also drizzling but it stopped right before communion. God is so great in taking care of His sons and daughters. Maggie said she loves me for the first time. It was a very special night.

Monday: I decided to skip myu classes, again, to hang out with Mags. I know this is totally not me (Chizu called me at least twice to see if I am alright) but I figured the classes weren't very important on that day anyway.

Tuesday: Alright. Me and Mags decided not to hang out too much because we had been lately. We also went shopping for Halloween Costumes at the Party City and Target in Grand Prairie. I also treated her at King's Bbq... YUM!

Wednesday: I bummed my Astro test due to stupid mistakes (missing a 0 (zero) and confusing radians with degrees.) Me, Mags and Vincent went to the Texas Thrift Store and Card and Party to check out more Halloween costume goodies. Vincent got a golf club. We then saw a Party City in Arlington where Mags got her wig and I returned the tommy gun i bought the day before (I bought a much better gun at Card and Party).

Thursday: Me and mags went to the Casino Night in the UC and won second prize in the costume contest. We got a $35 gift card for Simon Malls (which we didn't know what at the time).

Friday: Nothing much happened, really: just classes and I worked on school things. I also began stressing over my paper and HW.

That's about it for now. I better go into the shower and go back to my work.

God's precious blessings

It's been over a month since I last update and a lot of things had happened. I asked Maggie for dinner at Olive Garden (see last update below) and we eventually did on the Tuesday, Sept 13th. It was supposedly to be on that week's Thursday but our schedules would not allow.

The date COULDN'T HAVE GONE ANY BETTER. We ate and and talked like we usually did at Wendy's or Subway. She was so beautiful, her smile is so graceful, I felt lucky just being there to witness it. She's awesome. As torpe as I was, I did not talk anything about "feelings" during the dinner. After much self deliberation ("I already was on the date with her, I might as well reveal to her how I felt, right?") I just just summed up my feelings on the drive home (dorm). To my surprise (and I mean SURPRISE) she told me she didnt look at me as more than a friend until that Sunday before the first day we hung out. I was shocked. It was the same day I "remembered" how much I liked her. I was so shocked, I missed my turn. Upon getting home, we took a walk to the other side of the campus and she explained to me why she she told me it was a bad time last year when I first attempted to tell her I like her. I was on Cloud Nine. it is just amazing when a girl you have been crushing on and had been "rejected" by is professing her mutual attraction to you. We talked and talked until the sprinklers went on and we spend a good amount of time playing patintero with the water. We then went to the Volunteers office because she needed to get something. I held her hand and she did not let go. She just gave me her smile..

Two days later, two late night confusing conversations, we cleared things up by officializing the relationship. We changed our respective Facebook status. She is the sweetest girl in the world.

Again, alot of things had happened since then. We try to hang out as much as we can as our busy school schedules would allow. We've seen two late night movies on my laptop in the Vols office. hidden under the desks, we've gone to St. Ann's, gone to the Collision Tour concert, slept in the car, hung out in the Architecture glass house, among other things. We celebrated our first month on the last Friday (the 14th - the real monthsary is the 15th of October but we were both working) Everytime I look back, i felt very much loved and blessed by God. H know it's Him because every timing has worked out. I offer this relationship to Him.

Don't get me wrong. We've had trying times. We had to impose restrictions so we would not hang out too much and and forget about our school (believe me, this is a very tempting). But as St Escriva said, "to the modern apostle, an hour of study is an hour of prayer." We try to pray as hard we can.

I love how we can talk about everything. We can be ourselves around each other. We share the common love for God. She inspires me to be a better person and Christian. I am doing my best to be the best boyfriend in the world. Imperfect as I am, fumble many times and she was very understanding and forgiving. I could NEVER ask for any more.

Silver Lining

I have been stressed out with school and my family (especially mama). Really frustrated that almost drove me back to the throes of depression. But today, after ALOT of self deliberation, I asked a certain someone a certain something and she said yes. haaay.... I hope things go well..

Now, if I could just think where to take her.....

Anong magandang title? Mag-isip ka.

First day of Arlington SuperTarget (TG 1339) and I can already say I do not like it as much. Maybe I just have to get used to it but I noticed that the people aren't as warm as I would have preferred (i.e. as it was in TG 1517). Also, they messed up in scheduling me to 35 hours (when my maximum is just 25) and had me workin from 4 on sundays (i should have been dayside). Owell. i guess i just need to talk to my team lead Adrian. I am so easy to stress out.

Oh.. and this time, i won't ever be put to softlines ever again.... and C's (candles, stationery, party and gifts, home improvement and plants). i will miss those departments.

They put me on HBA which, i could say, the department I dislike the most (yes, worse than domestics). I never ever finish that department because of the amount of small things. What a first day. As usual, I did not finish it but I got help from softlines people and other team members.

TG 1339 is very much alike TG 1517 but there are little things that are different that gets me. They are not as Bullseye-maniac. They have a weird backroom and they have a weird scheduling system (they had the schedule up a day before I worked) .... crazy crazy things.

You lost me at Cruithne

First Week of classes and I am taking a break from studying for the Senior Design announced pop quiz. The semester started off great but has been going descending lately to an academic lull.

Saturday: I moved in most of my stuff. I went to the Waffleopolis (some waffle party at Brazos for "interns" (pisay-talk for students who stay in the dorm). I saw a bunch of old friends like Jan, Dawn, Regan and Anjenique and I met some more new friends like Stacy and Alex. I did not ge to see my roommate but his stuff were placed on supposedly my side of the room. I don't care much, really.

Sunday: I went back home to get more stuff like my fridge, microwave and some more clothing. Mama, Josh and Ate went to SuperTarget Arlington with me to shop for food and supplies. I went to the UCC mass and was almost late but it was ok. I also went to be reconciled. Then I drove Chinh, Mags and Sam to the Chili's. Me and Mags shared a quesedilla. Oopie, Steven, Mags and Me stayed at mags dorm and talked till about 12:30 AM. It was nice to hang out with Maggie.

Monday: First day of classes. Astronautics (with Dr. Subbarao) was cool but Aircraft design (with Dr. Seath) was kinda boring. I still need to get A's on ALL my classes tho. I went to the Convocation which was alright. Also went to the afterparty with the Volunteers. Bob Shneider concert was really successful besides the fact that all he did was musicalize profanities and obsceneties (he called it Pornographic Pop the next day). I got a tattoo of the sun on my left shoulder. I hung out with the volunters most of the night. It was cool. I love hanging out with Maggie.....

Tuesday: 2nd day of classes. Got embarrased by asking a freshman where Trimble Hall is. Then I almost got late because of room change. I thought I registered for a wrong class because Dr. Black was teaching instead of Dr. Perry. I found out later that Perry wasn't teaching anymore. Owell. She seems to be fine. I went to the UTA Vols meeting for a couple minutes. We were displaced from the Chambers so the Office was JAMPACKED with interested people. Went to the first B&G club visit with Steven for an hour. I also went to the Aikido Club meeting with Jan and Mags. There was no airconditioning so they did not have practices in the gym. I didnt get to see my mentees in the UTA H.O.S.T.S mixer so I went home a bit early. Maggie is so fun to be with....

Wednesday: Nothing much happened. Just same ol' classes and I went to the Wed Mass at the UCC. I was late because I got somewhat stuck in the Activities Fair Day. I went with Paul and Jan. Paul had to come back so I drove him back then went back to the UCC for the food. Then we went book-hunting. I bought all my literature books brand new except the one I need most. Sucks. I talked to Mags mostly the rest of the evening thru AIM. I love talking to her.


Thursday: Today. I got up at 6:30 AM and went to the parking office to get my tag but the lady wanted me to pay right there. I can't so she suggested I go online or call SAM. I forgot my cell so i had to go back and order my tag online (so it would be credited to my account) and then went back. I scratched the bottom of my Gertrude. Classes were OK. I would have been hanging out with mags if i were not so stupid.

It is obvious I like liking someone. I just seemingly "dropped" Elle because of lack of communication and hope and then shifted someone more available but not any more hopeful. I guess I can try asking Mags or sumthin to get into that whole new rejection phase again. I am self-destructive at this point.

I am drifting farther and farther from Katter. She doesnt wish to talk to me anymore so I removed her on my list to prevent me from msging her.

Corsair vs Avenger

Do you ever have those moments when you wished you did something (that was ENTIRELY possible for you to do) but did not do it because you realized it after the fact? Then you regret it or feel very stupid because you know there won't be any more chance to do it (or the probabilities are slim) in the future. One such moment happened today as I was leaving from my last shift at FM ST (TG 1517)

I was supposed to visit Elle at work but I got called in to work before I left the house. Dianna (The daytime LOD) wanted me to come or I would have to tomorrow. I chose to work today still relunctantly, but owell. Hours are good for my paycheck.

I got reviewed today. 82.5. A Measly B-. I get a 45 cent increase, tho, which is about 9 bucks a week. NICE!

Katter called me rude. I don't get it.

Airplanes are awesome.

I don't know

tired.

Can't find someone to work for me. I am getting frustrated.

Desiring someone who doesn't like you back is useless.

Mark, YOU are useless.

Mat still hasn't given the review when it is supposedly my last day at FM ST.

On a positive note: had been talking alot with Pips and Denise. Phone convos with my pisay classmates is always fun.

Summer vacation ends in a few days. I don't wanna go back.

Intimidated with my subjects. Afraid to fail. Again.

Mark, YOU are a failure.

Need some chocolate. need some sleep.

Need to be better.

the drama resumes

I screwed up big time and end up not hanging out with Elle as I was really looking forward to. Not wanting to seem needy, I just told her to go ahead and watch the movie without me and we can hang out next time, even tho I do not really care about the movie and just REALLY wanted to hang out with her.

Haaaaaaaaayyyyyy buhay.

DCU also screwed up my checking account. It is fine now tho, all the fees were reimbursed but it is still on the negative until I get my check from Target on Thurs. DCU BillPay sucks and does not work as advertized. So I am currently worse off than broke.

It's a weird feeling when someone ignores you just because she found someone else. It's like you could care less but you don't. Then you start to miss things.

Cleaned my room today. I need to get a haircut tomorrow. I need to make more checks.

I am no Fred Flintsone but I'm gonna make your Bedrock

Katter is now too busy to even talk to me because of another guy. I guess she is getting her sweet sweet revenge. I guess the "i love yous" and "You are important to me" are just crap that are nice to say and hear. And I never cease to learn and relearn new lessons.

I guess friendships are just meant to fade away.

I went to church for the Feast of Marian Assumption. I was supposed to go with Michelle but she was a bit late so we did not get to sit by each other. It was coo tho. She was with her friend, Barbara (she was from Brazil and speaks cool Portuguese and other cool languages). I think she is attractive but I like Michelle better.

I still don't know how to deal with my "feelings" for her. She is so nice and everything that I dunno if I am ready to lose that by admitting them to her. Crap. Maybe I will just go to school and forget about her totally. I will be unworried about liking her. Then, I will find out one day that she is getting engaged with some guy she loves and I will be jealous to death and would regret not even trying. Haha... so much drama. I should be a Pnoi pocketbook writer.

MarkY goes hunting

Just walking on the front lawn, MarkY witnessed an incredible view. A mysterious creature with pointy ears comprising almost a fourth of its body length was basking in the semi-darkness of the after-sunset. It was around ten inches tall, brown colored with white undersides. He ran inside to get his digital (Konica Minolta Dimage 10) camera and silently hid by the front porch. As quiet as a tree and trying his best quiet down the vibrations of my hand, he snapped a photo of the creature...




















Not sure of the image he recently captured, he took another one for good measure.



The hunter realized that the darkness is not cooperating with his endeavors. He quickly reset his device to produce an a flash while taking the photos... This sent the creaure into panic... and hesitation...







Afraid that the creature might realize that the bright flashes were not of lightning, He quietly turned the flash off while slyly zooming on the subject, which is obviously an animal of prime alertness.



A closer view of the amazing subject, while surveying the environment for intruders.



Of course, he is a quiet hunter. And as such, he moves in patiently for the kill. The prey stood motionless for moments that seemed hours... The man stepped closer as queitly as he can but the hunted sensed peril and hopped gracefully away, into the shadow of darkness. Only its eyes of fury betrayed its presence.



The hunter closes in, not to be defeated by the hunted's sly evasive action. He moves closer and takes probably the last image ever of the mysterious creature.



Tired from the hunt, he comes back into his abode to discover another creature. Sitting bout 2.5 feet tall, with black curly fur dangling from its immense body. It has a slumped posture.



Queitly again, he waits patiently until the creature reveals its countenance along with its bright sharp teeth...



Turned out, it was Branson...

The kind of blue that tickles when you smell it and gives you the butterflies when you think of it

I closed till 1:15 last night and then opened at eight this morning. I slaved until four (training this new guy, Michael) and then churched at 4:40. After that, I went to Vista Ridge (Lewisville) SuperTarget to buy lighted glass frames (which were on 75% off clearance but i didnt buy them as fast I could so we were sold out at our branch... I got the last one from Lewisville. HAR HAR. Thanks Lord!). I ended up getting school supplies, chocolate and some other stuff for my sis. In return, my sis treated me at Chipotle and I am now eating my cold Burrito leftover.

What does that mean? Well, I am heck tired but I still am hoping I would get a call from a certain someone......

Speaking of a certain someone, here is a little conversation with myself on the path to self-discovery:


Mark: Gah.... Why am I liking this girl so much?!!?!?
Myself: Michelle?
Mark: Duh.
Myself: Well, answer your question.
Mark: What question?
Myself: Why do you like Michelle so much?
Mark: hmmm..
Myself: ....?
Mark: Well, she is attractive, physically and her personality.
Myself: like...?
Mark: She is cool. Very nice. Sweet. You know I'm a sucker for sweet girls.
Myself: I know.
Mark: .. And very Catholic.
Myself: So there you go, you now know why you like her so much.
Mark: but...
Myself: ... But what?
Mark: I wish we were more than friends.Myself: So what's the problem with wanting that?
Mark: I dunno. It doesn't feel right.
Myself: Like when you are liking on some girl?
Mark: ... yes...
Myself: Well, it is not a lusty kind of attraction, is it?
Mark: ... HECK NO! I don't do that kind of shit.
Myself: Personally, I think it is normal to feel weird.
Mark: *sighs*
Myself: ....
Mark: I wish she likes me back. I keep hoping I have a chance, even a little bit. But I don't think I do.
Myself: Torpe.
Mark: I know.... I feel helpless.
Myself: Then get over it! Go ask her out!
Mark: She likes someone else.
Myself: And?
Mark: I really do not think I should. I do not think I have a chance.
Myself: You are just afraid of rejection.
Mark: ......
Myself: You know you like her. You know you have a chance. You are just afraid that she would reject you because you think are not good enough.
Mark: I wish this attraction would go away.
Myself: Mark. Face it. You can do it and nobody else is going to do it for you.
Mark: What if this is just some selfish desire to have someone? I think having past relationships makes me crave what I had.
Myself: .........
Mark: When I had relationships, it felt good. I love the feeling of being "in love" I love the attention she gives me and the opportunity of me to give attention. I love the fact that I had someone. Now, it feels wanting is so selfish...
Myself: .....
Mark: And I don't think she gives crap about this kind of attraction. She doesn't like me more than a friend. I wish I could know her more. I WANT to know her more.
Myself: dating?
Mark:*sighs* Not that. that is too artificial. Too structured a form of "getting to know" someone.
Myself: Then be a friend.
Mark: I am already her friend.
Myself: Patience is a virtue.
Mark: I wish I am a closer friend, I guess.
Myself: Then BE one.
Mark:Hmm..
Myself: If your love is sincere, you would think in the view of her welfare.
Mark: I think there is no use for me to "desire" for her if she is not interested.
Myself: How do you know she is not.
Mark: She is freakin interested in this other guy!!!
Myself: That doesn't say you don't have a chance.
Mark: I want to try.
Myself: Go ahead. knock yourself out. What could you lose anyway?
Mark: Our friendship?
Myself: What would you gain?
Mark: Better, more open friendship?
Myself: I seriously do not think she will lash out on you if you confess your feelings.
Mark: I didn't either.
Myself: You are just a coward.
Mark: Yes. I just am. And I invent these excuses to get away with it.
Myself: Go ahead. Perhaps the anxiety will go away once you open up. Go ahead and tell her. Just make sure that she understands. Do not be aggressive. Just tell her.
Mark: Soon? Should I not wait till I know her more?
Myself: You know what they say about procrastination.... "it's just like masturbation: it is all good at first but in the end, you are just f*king yourself."
Mark: Then when? How?
Myself: You talk to her. Pick your time.
Mark: I like chocolate.
Myself: Chocolate is good.

Lesson learned: chocolate is good in considerate amounts.

Realizations

Life is so brittle. Just a tiny vial of chemical, sharp piece of steel, lack of oxygen, or a short blow to an organ could end someone's life. So brittle but yet so important. Maybe it's value spring forth from its fragility... nobody can create it but anyone can destroy it with ease. Anyone can terminate it when he or she so pleases.

But nobody can destroy the spirit. One can lead it to self-destruction, but never destroy. However, one can put it to another direction just as easily. Just a smile or a compliment could inspire.

There are times I think I am not doing enough. I could, very easily, but doesn't.

Lord, make me a better envoy of your truth.

"him and his ukelele shall go wanting!"

My Hurricane Harbor plans with Michelle was cancelled so, instead, I went to Lourdes Zamora's funeral mass at St. Ann's and then shopped at Grapevine with Michelle (taxfree weekend today). She wanted to get something from JC Penney. They didn't have em in the color she wanted so we shopped at the The Dave and Barry's instead (where everything is only $7.98 or below!) I got two UTA shirts (YES! they DO have UTA shirts!) and two carpenter pants. After that, we talked and stuff and she corrected how I say "frustrated" and I told her how Filipino infixes (gitlapi) works.

It has been confirmed that she likes another guy so it is really useless to be attracted to her. or rather, to desire a "romantic" relationship with her. It is kinda sad at first, but God will give me what I deserve. As for me: patience is a virtue. Who knows, maybe he wants me to take the priestly thoughts more seriously. Besides, I like Michelle just fine as a friend: really fun to hang out with, talk with and extremely bearable when shopping (maybe because she hates shopping that makes me feel we have something in common. I don't think I hate it really that much, tho). She is just a really sweet person and it is crazy not to be attracted to her personality.

I just wish these thoughts of her would go away. I am tired of it.

I have this confused view of attraction. I like this girl I had a past with but I know it will not work out because of distance. She keeps expressing her adoration of me so i just can't just get over her. I honestly wish it would stop but I have no way of saying without severely causing pain. I abhor this distance. Why should everything should be so dang complicated?

I seriously need to pray more.

Bahala na. if i need something, God will provide.

bombicilla Cedrorum

There was never a time I thought I would despise my accent this much. I just finished talking to Elle and she is having a hard time understand me. of all people, its her!! Gah. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I have been here in the US but I still have this FOB accent! I used to be all proud of it because it is my distinction as a pure-bred natural born Filipino, bit no, no, it is but an impediment!

Why do i F*ckng feel like this? Who is she to me anyway?

Haaaaaayy..... crushing should be illegalized. Or maybe I should join the ranks of the ever-declining number of priests.... Then I would know that I should NEVER have crushes or anything.

or maybe, speech lessons could do miracles.

or maybe, i could try speaking other accents like British or German or whatever accent white people speak!

I am just speaking my mind.

Anyway, last Sunday was a blast. The mass was fun. I went to have a "talk" with Fr. Sanchez afterwards. Then I went to the College Life pool partay. We hung out, baked chocolate chip oat cookies, planned for todays outreach, and listened to Dr. Weisberg (the dude has awesome gift in speaking). After that darkness came, we decided to use the Gasparos' paddleboat (they have this nice lake behind their house to use it on) so me, Elle, Monica, Chris and Tim hauled it on the water then jumped right on it. we padddled for a good... 15 to 20 minutes then went back to the house. We then took a dip in the pool and played breath-holding games (where i got a measly 45 seconds versus Tim's 70). It as geting late so soon afterwards, we wiped off changed and parted in our own separate ways.

We found out that all of us are off on Friday so we are planning to go to Six Flags and/or Hurricane harbor on Friday. It will be a blast! I love hanging out with Elle!

ummm.. That's about it.

Unproductive

I didn't go to work today... very unproductive. I just slept and then did a bit of modeling. The family came home so I lost my "modeling appettite" and went to the my parents room to watch TV, eat ice cream, read the new issue of FSM (F*cking Sex Magazine a.k.a. Fine Scale Modeler) and browse for model reviews (I like multitasking).

I should have gone to work. I thought I would get to talk with Michelle Cherie but stupid baka Mark picked his dad's phone instead of his. I realized this too late to discove that she called me and left a message. I called her but she was on her way to some birthday party =/. She asked me to call her tomorrow when i get home from work tho. At least, I have something to look forward to.

I am tired of this infatuation thing. I wish she liked me back but I feel that i am not enough. As I said, she is just a nice and not necessarily showing "signs" of liking me but I am just a big sucker for niceness and sweetness. I wish I was gay.

I take that back.

Must be the Inferiority Complex kicking in.

The family picture last Wedneday. It wasn't very bad. I even got to work on time. I called them two hours before my shift to say I will be an hour late but I made it just fine. I still hate it when my family plans things without my knowledge.

Fun Family Day

My family pisses me off sometimes! They keep making plans without letting me know far enough in advance and then expect me to just easily comply. Today is my parents 25th Anniversary so my mom planned to go to church. I was still gettingready when she tells me that we are going to St. Ann's instead of St. Philip's (only 5 minutes away and this is where we they ALWAYS want to go). They are leaving soI would just ahve to drive there myself (St. Ann's is 20-25 minutes away). I get mad because they did not tell me ealier so I could have made necessaery adjustments to my schedule. This is the first today. The first is the scheduled "picture taking" for today. Weeks ago, Mam told me it would be in the morning so it would not conflict with my work. Then last night, they told me they moved it to 4:30 PM (i go to work at 5). they say that I should just call in and be late for an hour. It is just frustrating when they do these things and get mad at me when I tell them they should not do these kinds of things.

I want to move out, ASAP.

Anyway, i saw Constatine twice (two days ago and last night with Aiza). It was well-made but i think it is stupid. The writer obviously did not care to check his facts against the "proper" sources about the Catholic beliefs (on suicide, mortal sins, heaven, hell, etc, etc) but just tried to dramaticize and molest Catholic dogma (plus the old good and evil balance). Yes, I know, i know, it is fiction but even the basic facts were twisted or served half-baked to present a hollywood commercialized comics-based movie.

I assembled mostly the Tamiya 7.7 mm Artillery gun yesterday. I lost a small axle thing last night, tho, so I spent about 30 minutes kneeling on the floor and trying to eel the texture on the parts-eating carpet. I found it after deciding to sweep the floor clean with a good ol' broom. It was 3 AM then so i called it a night after gluing it in.

Hobby Lobby Lovin Day

Today, I went to Hobby Lobbies in the district (chronological order: Carollton, Grapevine, then Lewisville) to check out sale plastic scale models of planes and armor. I can't believe what deals I got today, once again from untagged discotinued items. From Carollton, I purchased a Tamiya Fairey Swordfish for seven bucks! Yes, only for a measly siete dolyares, I got a kit that has an MSRP of $68.00!!! The manager dude did not know how much it was and it was not in his list so he gave me a price of $13.99 plus half off. Not only that, he also gave me a Promodeler Ju-88 night fighter for the same price (I think the original price was around twenty bucks) because the instructions were missing. It was a fair deal, I would say. I believe a have the same kit somewhere in my stash. If not, a simple email to Revell-Monogram could easily solve the problem. These are my best deals as of yet, alot better than the Accurate Minitatures B-25B and the Tamiya F-84G I bought a while ago.

Anyway, I proceeded to the other branches to seek out similar deals without any other success. I was hoping of getting nother Amtech P-40K because I read somewhere that they are supposed to be sold at $24.99 but I bought one from the Grapevine branch two days ago for only $15.99 (plus 50% off). I was hoping to grab three: save one or two for my building pleasure and sell one off to ebay. But alas, they finally tagged them properly so it was too late for that, owell. I just bought a 1/35 Tamiya Panther from Carollton and Tamiya Walker Bulldog & Academy M60A1 with Dozer Blade from Lewisville branch. I was splurging today!

Hmmmmmm.... I also went to work. it was fine. I got assigned to Ready-to-Wear (RTW... Which are actually just the women's section) and the Jewelry keys. I was supposed to be training this new guy Matt but we got split up (He was assigned off to Men's and Boy's). Fortunately, tho, I got Naomi (another new team member) to help me out in RTW. Erica W. was also cool with helping me out with the tonnes of foreign from the fitting rooms. She is so sweet.

I think Jacob Lopez (one of the LOD: Leader on Duty, tonight) is getting mad at me because I keep giving him false estimations on when I can finish RTW. It's not like I meant to "deceive" him or anything, I just was just very optimistic about our zone but we just didn't cut it. I suck in guesstimating.

I called Michelle today. He flight to Maryland didn't go thru for some weird reason (she wasn't on the flight list). I feel sorry for her but the selfish part of my brain was glad because there would be a a chance that I would see her again in church tomorrow. SHUT UP, selfish-part-of-brain! Anyway, I texted her after getting off work and then tried to call her up after her reply but she did not answer. I guess she was asleep.

I just finished emailing Katter. Gosh, I miss that girl. She said she did not have net connection at home and the library computers were down so she didn't have a chance to email me. Poor Kot. Poor me. owell. She will be going home soon so I will get to talk to her then.

Don't go gently into the good night

I didn't get to hang out with her again. But I did finally finished the paintjob Mama's Pinewood derby car, after several recoatings, nevertheless. It looks sharp: Hot red with two longitudinal silver trim and blue windshield tint. Cooooul.

Mama made me buy graphite lubricant for the pinewood car. I found out that Hobby Lobby has one of their 1/2 model sales. I ened up buying a Monogram Recon Panther.

Me and my sister went to eat at Saltwater Willy's then saw Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. This sure is a Willy-filled day. It was fun laughing with my sister in the restaurant, writing filipino comments on the comment card like "mahusay na serbisyo!" and "kulang sa vetsin."

The movie was pretty good. They modernized the songs and dance scenes and I would say i still prefer the older musical interpretation. This newer version made alot more sense, tho.

I asked Michelle W. to come but she said she goes off work at 9:30 so she can't. I wish I could hang out with her before she goes to Maryland for the weekend...

I calculated my gas mileage. 27. 76 mpg. Better than my first fill-up. Gert just keeps surprising me :).

WOOT!! Carmen just told me she got my gift. It is two days after her b-day but owell. It's the thought that counts ;)

Toodle Doo

Once again, It took me some time to update this Blog. It's pretty weird cuz I left the msgs on a bad note when I had a fight with Katter. Well, I admit that it is quite embarrassing how they seem to be so drama queen but I won't be deleting then.

Ever since, then I had made up with her, had another the biggest fight, ignored her, got ignored by her and we made up and haven't fought ever since. Katter can be such a sweetie but as I said in her friendster testimonial, her teeth can be sharp and lethal. She left to go to Denver, Colorado a couple weeks back and has not sent me any email or msgs whatsoever.

Since then, the academics had several highs and lows. we finished out Marsian Rver project and had two eventful trips to Houston (one for a research field trip in NASA and another for the TSGC presentation). However, I had brushes with Jade which is giving me second thoughts about doing it next week. She is just not the most people friendly woman out there.

Also, I sufffered failures in tests and I eventually got a D in Hullender's class (Modelling and Simulation... I don't like Hullender as a professor). As usual, i was a bit down but I guess it will just be easier for when I retake it (I don't have to but I want to).

I bought a customized Dell Inspiron 6000 and It is freakin sweet *Peter's giggle*. I had been playing games on it. I beat Metal Gear Solid 2 (cool games)and played Silent Hill 2, Neighbors from Hell and Codename Panzers (awesome game) but now, family uses it more than I usually leave it in the living room.

I went back to work at the Flower Mound SuperTarget.


I also had brushes with Minh which was kinda a high point and a low point but it did not work out as I saw it, eventually. Now I get it why girls hate it so much when guys hate committment. At least when a girl tell me she's having the problem, I could say "been there, done that." My conversation with Minh gave me alot of things to shoot for to gain freedom from my parents. My first step was getting a car which I got the fiffth of July. A Desert Sand 2005 Mitsubishi Lancer which I named Gert (for Gertrude because Kat suggested) but now I am thinking of naming it Michelle after my umm.... sister...

I also joined St. Ann's College Life two Sundays ago and met several friends already. That day, I got invited by Michelle, Monica and Bridget to see a movie or sumthin. We ended up taking a walk at Gaylord Texan which was quite impressive. It was tonnes of fun. Last night, me, Monica, Michelle and Michelle's mom wemt a played a round at Putt Putt. I didn't do very well at first but significantly improved towards the end so I ended up getting second place. Monica got the first. I got to keep the score card because it is my first putt putt experience EVER. After that, I got to hang out with Michelle and Monica later that night. We were supposed to see a movie and fry bananas but my mom didn't allow me so we ended up just lookin at pics and talking. Michelle said she likes my handwriting. Michelle is so sweet, nice and cute. I left at around.... 1 AM or so.

Today, I send Carmen her birthday gift (which is also today. The delay was caused by her delays of giving me her address and other things such as sleeping alot in the mornings when I am not at work. Also, I got my two lower wisdom teeth removed. It was very cool expecially how FAST I fell asleep after seeing the dentist inject me the drugs. I love science. I am currently recovering but my ice pack nauseates me when it is on my throat. I wish I could recover soon so i could hang out with Michelle by building Gundam models.

She said

she will love me forever. She said we will be friends forever. Why can't things be as they were once said?

I am trying

I am trying to talk reason to her. she is being unfair. She wants to sever our friendship. What have I done!?!? I have a feeling she wants me to hate her. to despise her as much... she wont let me call.... ugh.

She doesn't care

She hates me. she is enjoying the fact that I am suffering while she is gone. How can anyone be like this? FUCK! ... gaaaaahhh..

It's official

Everyone will be happier if I die.

Why?

The people you love are those that hurts u most. So unforgiving and unfair. Painful but life goes on but without forgetting that you have to pay for what you did.

The World of Tra la la

The semster's almost over and things are not lookin so good. For the first time, I am worried I might have to retake a class. That class is incompressible flows. the tests were crazy and Dr Anderson even called the 46/100 2nd test average "quite good, I am used to tests with 20-25 average."

I got a measly 35. and that is the curved score.

Baka, baka mark.

No tests today but I had the test for Engineering Analysis and Incompressibles yesterday. I studied alot for the latter. I started re-deciphering the book last thurdsday. Then I spend the weeked at Jade's apartment to study for that class some more. the test have two parts: open and closed book. The closed book was pretty rife with definitions, explanations and such. and maybe, some simple calculations (that are still easy to forget) like the use of the momentum equation on a holed plate. I think I did ok. I hope I really did ok. We will see.

I just started studying for the Engineering analysis the morning of the test. It wasn't hard. I practically knew the material already. It just sucks cuz I missed some of the questions. Again, it's not hard, I am just stupid.

I have two more tests. one for Aircraft structures tomorrow and history and Heat transfer on Thursday. I am lucky my classes were relatively evenly spaced out.

Last Sunday, I went to this Salon to get my hair cut. It was the only salon open in the whole of Arlington. To those who don't know, I experimented with the highschool-mark hair. I got tired of it mainly because of its high maintenance so I decided to go back to the "college mark scissor-cut" do. The lady in the salon have other plans. I think she liked my hair too much the way it is so she won't destroy the do until i (politely) told her that I want that hair better. Then she did but not quite like how I wanted it. I said I want it closer on the sides but she started getting irate. She said she likes my hair the way it is already so I should try wearing it for a day and come back the next day if I don't like it (at least that's how I understand it. Her words are pretty difficult to comprehend because of the thick Vietnamese accent). Why would I waste my gasoline driving back there? I knew my hair for 19 years and she only got to see them for 15 minutes, how dare she act like my mother with MY hair? So I just left her a 50-cent tip.

I went to hear mass at St. Maria Goretti's with Jannielu at Arlington. It was quite nice. the place is so ornate. Very churchlikebut but with the added comfort like padded seats. The service is traditional but the presider is pretty cool. Yes Fr. Jim is a bit iffeminate but he has a very entertaining homily. and you can actually understand it. I would want to go to church there regularly...... If I live on campus, that is.

Oh, and I am also having this girl problems. I am quite infatuated with this friend of mine at the UTA Volunteers. She's with me in the exec board. I told her I like her but the response wasn't very as pleasant as I preferred it. "I am having some guy problems that I am dealing with so this is not a good time. Thanks for saying somethin, though." I should say that that sorta gave me a bit hope but my friends says it's a classic rejection line. One that soften's the blow ( and prolly, give false-hopes). I was devastated...well not really... just really pulled down when I heard this from my friend, Vincent. Like he said "truth hurts" and as I said "sucks to be me."

Last nightI had a late breakfast with Maggie, her roommate Pamela and my friend, Vincent. It was nice. Pamela is a pretty CSE (computer science engineering) senior from Munster, or something like that. And Maggie... well, Maggie is my crush. Now that I told her I like her, I feel awkward with her. What if she's thinkin I am just trying to score "pogi points?" I had serious beliefs she is avoiding me, or at least, thinking that she thinks im stalking her. owell. im getting a bit too self-conscious. I guess I will just go back to my lovelife strategy: wait because it will come when you least expect it.

The blame

Everyone's still blaming me on the car crash as if I meant to hit the car in front of me. Everytime I get out of my room, I get nagged of taking care of the car next time or we will be dropped from the insurance. I try to stay in my room as much as possible. NEVER did they ask me if I was ok at all... everything's about the car. I know, I know, I TOTALLY DESERVE all this because of my idiocy. That's why I only rant on here and nobody else. I don't think anybody reads this still anyway. I just want to end this all...

And Kat hates me. Well, I made her, AGAIN, out of my idiocy. Everything just keep getting better.

I wish i have someone but again, it's really stupid to think someone would want me. It is a bit sad to think that I don't deserve anyone. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

And fucking school don't help at all. I study alot but I keep getting crap grades. It is just frustrating.

My life is one big failed frustration.

Millions of people die everyday and yesterday, none of them is me. Just sucks that you don't always get what you want.

Gutless

I still don't have the guts to kill myself. Besides, I have work today and tomorrow and HW due on monday.. Maybe I will do it after then.